FAST FOOD FARCE

If you know me at all you know I try to be fair on most things. But if you really know me you also know that I am not a person who is fond of bad service or bad food at fast food restaurants. We've become a society where it's so much easier to just pull into the drive thru to pick up dinner rather than slave over a stove or make multiple visits to the grocery store to prepare for meals. The problem is that when we do this we often find ourselves disappointed and outraged by the things we end up getting.

I think a major part of this is because of the promises made before we even place the order. We're shown gorgeous shots of mouth watering delights that start the saliva glands flowing. We see pictures of fresh products with swollen portions seemingly pouring out of every conceivable nook and cranny, burgers that are overflowing with meat, fish sandwiches that are unable to be contained by a bun and other delights like mine tonight, pulled BBQ pork sandwiches that make you wonder if your mouth is even big enough to take a bit. Unfortunately reality and what they tell us we're going to get are two different items.

Tonight's attempt to avoid the kitchen and get dinner was a trip to Burger King. Before we discuss tonight, let me go back. I've had good visits to Burger King but I've also had some of the most horrendous ever there. One time I had an entire order screwed up only to discover it when I got home. A phone call to the manager had him offer to send the whole order fresh and correct. Thirty minutes later I called to ask if he had forgotten me. He informed me they'd had a bus stop in and they were swamped but assured me it was going to head out the door momentarily. I'm a reasonable person so I said fine. Thirty minutes after that my reasonable demeanor kind of vanished as I called back once more. This time he told me that the person he sent couldn't find my house. Let me explain how difficult it would be to find my house: leave the back exit of BK by turning left, go to the stop sign and turn right, go 6 small blocks to where the road T's out, turn right (you can only turn right since it's a one way street), take the first left, go a block and turn left once more. They're located on 13th and I'm on 4th. Shouldn't be difficult, right? Apparently for whoever was driving it was.

A year or so ago I had another problem with Burger King. It was so terrible I decided to contact their home office via email. Unfortunately I discovered that Burger King had yet to join the 21st century and the only way to contact them was via phone and only during 9-5 hours on weekdays. I imagine this is to they don't have to bother with complaints and the attention I received on that phone call proved me right. The person who answered seemed uninterested and only too willing to send out a few passes to get me off the phone ASAP. To say that I was surprised that in 2012 this was the only way you could contact them would be an understatement. This brings us to tonight.

Let's start with the items I ordered. I always order something extra on the chance that the first thing I ordered will truly suck. It's a good idea to do this and if both items come out fine then you have something for lunch the next day. If both are bad then it's a good day for the dogs here. Their tastes are less picky than mine. Keep in mind they also eat from the littler box if not stopped so that should explain how picky they are. So here was the order I placed.

            2 Whopper Jr.

            1 BBQ Pulled pork sandwich - no onion, no sauce

            1 Double stacker - no sauce

            1 Large Sweet potato fry

            2 Orders of Cinnabons

            1 Large Diet Coke

            1 Medium Diet Coke

The drinks were fine. No problem. Then again it's kind of difficult to screw up a drink (though some places have been known to do so substituting regular for diet, not a good thing for those diabetics out there). The double stacker was fine too though not very tasty. That about sums up the good things.

The whopper juniors were for my wife. Her description says it best: they seemed like lettuce sandwiches with a meat garnish. The ratio of burger to toppings left much to be desired. To make it clearer for the folks at Burger King, if the name of your restaurant is "burger" then your burger should be outstanding. It shouldn't be hidden behind a leaf of lettuce or half slice of tomato.

The sweet potato fries. I love sweet potatoes. I didn't as a kid but do now. And with the new interest in turning them into fries I consider it a good thing. As long as they have flavor. These did not. There wasn't that sweet flavor that accompanies the usual sweet potato. The only flavor here was salt and it was so overpowering that it made me wonder what salt lick these fries were dragged over.

The Cinnabons. I placed an order for 2 orders, I got one box with 2 Cinnabons in it. This could be a simple mistake so it's one I'm willing to give them a pass on. With the "high tech" speaker systems most Burger Kings use I was just glad she heard the order at all.

Which leaves us with my most cherished memory of this visit, the pulled pork BBQ sandwich. That mouth watering delight that is pictured like this on Burger King's web site:

I posted this so that you could see exactly what I'm talking about when I say promises are rarely filled. To illustrate, here is the actual sandwich that I got. Forgive the photography I don't get paid thousands per hour to make food look good. I just used a cell phone.

So there is the sandwich when unwrapped. Sure there was no onion and no sauce, but I just don't see the meat there slathered in BBQ sauce just oozing out of the sides because the bun could just not contain all that mouth watering goodness! Sorry I got carried away. Just what was inside that bun? I mean because if you look at it you'd never know there was anything inside of it. Here it is, with and without flash, so you can see what gorgeous hunks of meat Burger King uses for these sandwiches!

Okay...this reminded me of an old commercial from when I was a kid. I think the fast food place was The Red Barn, a chain that is now gone. It showed someone open up a sandwich, look at a tiny piece of meat they were calling a burger and ask "What's this? A monocle?"

I can say this about my visit. For once it didn't take the usual 10-15 minutes to wait once my order was placed. This location is notorious for this. They usually only have 1-2 people on hand to deal with ordering and cooking and the last time I complained the one in front spent more time on his cell phone than on my order. McDonalds is within viewing distance of this location and I swear, you could watch their line and see 10 people go through and receive their orders in the time it takes you to get yours at Burger King. Oddly enough they're still in business.

The other good thing this time was the people working there. I know they are hard workers (except for that kid with the cell phone). They do their best and the girl who took my order tonight gave me a smile, did all she could to help me and even gave me an extra bad I asked for to hold some things I'd just picked up at the veterinarian's office. Their good people. They can't help it if this is the product they have to carry. They can't help it if the items pictures in magazines and web sites and in commercials looks absolutely nothing like what they're sending out. This is a home office problem.

So I did what I normally do when I'm not happy with my order or service somewhere, I went online to see if I could let them know. Low and behold after a year Burger King now has a way to let you know about your trip! Maybe not in too much detail but at least its there. The most difficult thing there was that I only had 500 characters to let them know how bad their stuff was. Sure it sounds easy but not when you have so much wrong to talk about!

So there you have it. I'm guessing I'm not alone with the problems folks have at fast food joints across the country. Then again maybe it's a conspiracy against me and they wait with charts and graphs and walkie talkies waiting to see where I am going and deciding just what to make a mistake on this visit. Okay I'm not really that paranoid as to believe that. But it sure would be nice for someone else to say you know what, they totally screwed my order up too! If you thought you were the only one, know that the rest of us are out here.